my sweet unvalentine.
so today was not a total lost cause. the 24hrs that consisted of said valentines day started terribly, got progressively worse, then came a some clarity that i’ve been desperately searching for (which is the point of this tumblr but i’ll start from the begining, logical right?). apologies in advance, i’m quite positive this is going to turn into me rambling.
12:01 am. lets just say i was a complete mess of dramatic thoughts and feelings, possibly produced by not enough sleep or food, plus popping too many pills that claim to fix insomnia when actually they do shit.
> > > had a terrible few of sleep in which i didn’t reach the delta stage, aka deeep sleep, and hence woke up drained.
10:00 am. had tim tams for breakfast, immediately after decided i’m starting a diet.
11:00 am. - 11:00pm. work at le trackside.
ok it’s not that i am a completely bitter person, but really spending the entire of valentines day serving stupid, sappy, lovey dovey couples was definately not high on my list of things to do. and the fact that in hospitality and bar service you have to have that fake, always cheery, smile on your face made it worse. there were upsides of working a double shift today/tonight though: work is very successful distraction, i had candy hearts to eat during my break from danihell, was entertained by super awkward new couples on dates, best part was popping the hundreds of pink and red balloons that were decorating the restaurant by jumping violently on them, and i even got asked by a six year old cutie to be my valentine : ) oh plus may or may not of been thrusted by bec and mon, in view of customers ahaha.
AND. AND. AND. i made brownies…
so all in all work could’ve been a lot worse, thanks to my trackside crew my enjoyment levels of what is usually a depressing holiday was rather enojoyable.
note: in no way do i endorse valentines day. sure it’s a nice concept, but really if you like someone please let them know every day of the year, not just on a stupid commercial holiday.
11:30 pm. when i started writing this, the actual reason was because i really need to get a lot of stuff out while it’s super clear in my head, i need to record my train of thought so as if i fall back into that black hole, which is inevitable, i can re-read this.
one of the qualities i’m trying really hard to work on is acceptance. i’ve decided life will be a lot easier if instead of trying to change situations and people i just accept them and in turn change my attitude towards them so as it no longer hurts me. easier said than done i know. in life you have to choose how you let things effect you, it’s a choice how you react, and it’s this reaction that will then determine what the outcome will be.
i’ve been there and tried the whole isolation deal, it wasn’t even on purpose to begin with, it was like a string of unconscious acts of antisocial behaviour over the period of a month or so set off by a catalyst which i’d rather not discuss. but i dealt with what i needed to in my head and through therapy to a point where i was able to cope in society again. but in doing this, taking time off from living life, created a boundary which let me be forgotten. at least that’s the way it felt. this is where the typical human defence mechanism start to kick in and one starts to blame every other person but themselves. it’s so much easier to hate on someone and just block out that situation completely to move on. can you ever really move on though? i think the bottom line is that burying something doesn’t make it go away, everything resurfaces at some point or another. it may be months, years, or decades later. but eventually you have to learn to accept… things. accepting, that’s always the hardest part. lately i’ve been taking the easy way out, putting off and avoiding the inevitable confrontation that needs to occur if i want to go back to how things used to be, back to “normal”. the problem i face now is whether i actually want things to go back to the way they were… and the thing that worries me the most is if i do choose to try and resolve all these issues i’ll be leaving myself open to everything i’ve left behind in the past; pain, betrayal, memories. fact of the matter is i don’t know how long it will take to repair friendships, more importantly regain trust.
when you take an extended ‘time-out’ from a group of people you’re close to, stepping back and viewing a close knit group of friends from the outside, i think you see a side of them you don’t see when you’re caught up living the drama with them. i also think that group grows and changes, adjusts to the lack of you’re presence and eventually you’re excluded altogether, which is both your own fault and partially theirs. i blame myself now, sure it’s upsetting, but i see a lot of people i care about happy right now so i’m not too keen to rock the boat and dive back into that circle just yet.
something else i’ve come to realise these past few weeks is that no one is indispensable. you can always be replaced with someone new and shiny who will run in to save the day and forever more be the one to turn to. you’re no longer needed for late night chats or as a shoulder to cry on, a distraction, a pick-me-up. no. someone better can do all this and more. why deny someone you love a person so superior to you at making them happy? you don’t, and i don’t plan to, even if in turn it makes me miserable for a span of time, eventually i’ll accept it. life is all about sacrifices.
see, one of the things i dislike most about myself is my brains ability to over analyse absolutely everything. all I do is think, it’s becoming unhealthy. it used to just be when i was alone that i couldn’t switch off that voice in my head, now it’s a constant. i think too much before i talk, sometimes i think so much that i don’t talk at all. i don’t mean to be rude, truly. sometimes i just get lost over analysing the world. i want to be completely honest, but I’ve shut myself off for so long it’s difficult to unlock the real me. which has brought to what i believe to be a very important crossroad. a person only gets to re-invent themselves a few times in their life. now is the time for change. i need this change. i just don’t know what the change is yet. i wish there was some way of knowing if where you’re going and who you’re becoming is the right choice.
to some things up and revisit a point i made earlier: acceptance is progress. i’ve accepted i am inadequate to some and i can’t change that, i’ve accepted i can’t change certain aspects of my life that i’d like to so i’m changing my attitude towards them to better deal with those insecurities. it’s not about teaching yourself not to care any more, you can’t stop yourself from caring about someone or something, it’s the expectation that they care back that hurts, it’s this expectation that you have to let go of to move on.
anywho rant over for now, not that it made much sense in words, though it did in my head. so that’s my v-day summed up. soon i’ll be off, to fall asleep alone, much like every other night. sure it’s a little sad but i’ve decided to take comfort in the fact that today, well yesterday, wasn’t a complete fail, which is better than i expected. guess when you expect the worst you can never be disappointed. not that i recommend that, it’s not a productive way to live life, just don’t always expect the best i guess is what im trying to say. life’s not perfect, but moments can be, they’re what you make them.
this is a step forward, maybe even a leap. here’s hoping the steps backward that are surely on their way are only small ones.
1:38 am. finished writing. probably going to spend the next few hours procrastinating over whether or not to actually post this, slash deleting most of it in which case it probably will make no sense to anyone with the exception of myself. which is perfectly ok. in fact it’s probably better that way.
/still waiting for that phone call…
